can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My liver just had a heart attack.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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