i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
