this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
