Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
