I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
