Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We just shotgunned beers for America
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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