apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
