He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
