Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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