is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
