Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
