Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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