Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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