i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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