I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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