respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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