My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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