I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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