I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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