i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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