life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I wear drunk well.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
