Tell her she can't have a vagina
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
