It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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