I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
