if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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