I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
