And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
