U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
