First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
