K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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