I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
