Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
