The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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