rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
