I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
