I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
