dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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