It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
