allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
