So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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