just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
