this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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