Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
