If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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