somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
