He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
