I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize