I'm so fucking centered right now
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
