im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
