I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
