I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
