i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
