census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
