clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize