I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
