just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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