My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
