I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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