yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
