Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
