Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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