I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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