i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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