And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize