dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
